JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Everything about him screamed your future.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Someone shattered a urinal.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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