Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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