come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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