Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
