last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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