I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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