Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
