I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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