I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
