Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
