He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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