The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm just crazy horny about you
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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