Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
