So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
barbara walters just said penis...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize