Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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