Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
