I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I FOUND THE LEGS
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
