I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
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Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
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There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂