No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
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I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
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I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.