you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
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