i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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