I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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