Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
