I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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