mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
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