mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
