well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
People in love make me want to vomit
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
