I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I am never drinking with the goths again.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
