I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
