Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
are you so shy because you have an std?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
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he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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