She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
