In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
