i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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