I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
