Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
