By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
