If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
