At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
