allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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