I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
