Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
