got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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