Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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