Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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