So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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