I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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