I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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