i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
