Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
