did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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