I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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