theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
