I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
