we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
