If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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