So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
