he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
