his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
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some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
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If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.