Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."